Fraudulence

 

When I was an undergraduate at the University of Texas I attended a seminar on owning your greatness and fraudulent feelings. I was 18 and didn’t know what direction I wanted to go in life. I don’t remember much from that talk, except that there was a successful-looking female speaker in the front of a large room of (mostly) females, telling us that a common struggle with success is feeling like a fraud. I thought, “That lady? She feels like that? It doesn’t make sense.” And a follow up, “I could never be as successful as her.”

It wasn’t until I went to graduate school that I noticed more about my natural talents. But doesn’t everybody do that? In my practicum training, as I met with clients from the community and then subsequently assessed by a licensed therapist on my clinical skills, I was affirmed in my intuitiveness to see through and beyond what people were presenting. But can’t everybody see that? I looked around and compared: that person is more empathic, this person has better therapeutic presence… and I began discounting myself, and minimizing my own strengths. It was difficult to take risks because of these fears.

As I’ve walked with family, friends, and clients, similar sentiments emerged: What if they find out I’m not what I seem? I did well on this assignment, but I’ll probably fail the next one, then they’ll know. I don’t deserve to be here. I’m a fraud.

The good news: Many people feel this way.

And there’s a name for it: Imposter Syndrome. This name was coined by two American psychologists, Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978. It is a feeling of “phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable, or creative, despite evidence of high achievement.” Those that experience this often “live in fear of being ‘found out’,” and are unable to internalize their accomplishments.

On the one hand, Imposter Syndrome can lurk near to those that have natural abilities in a given area. There can be a belief that had you just worked really hard at something, you would know you deserved credit for it. It’s like a parent telling you you’re smart and wonderful. “They’re just saying that because they have to.” For some, naturally excelling at something leads to a discount of its value.

The other extreme though, is that you did work hard to grow or learn in a specific area, and because it may not be natural, you fear being ‘found out.’ You’re just one mistake away from complete failure. Both extremes lead to paralyzing fear and living in a space of anxiety, potential self-sabotage, and restricted risk-taking that diminishes the greatness you could offer the world around you.

How does one overcome these feelings?

  1. Let go of catastrophic thinking and self-importance. You aren’t that big of a deal (sorry!), and if you make a mistake (like we all do), the world keeps spinning. You probably won’t be fired. It won’t make the front page of the New York Times. You can learn, grow, and do it differently in the future.
  2. Accept and believe in yourself. Luck didn’t get you where you are. Of course, you didn’t do it all alone, but it is you- your character, your talents, that opened up doors and brought about your achievements.
  3. Take time to remember encouragement and affirmation from others. Keep a file with emails, notes, comments that people have made over the years. Make a list of your achievements (especially those that brought the greatest sense of potential failure). It’s easy to discount the positives and focus on the negatives.
  4. Stop the Comparison!! This only feeds the shame, fear, and self-loathing monsters.
  5. Practice Vulnerability! It combats shame. (Check out Brene Brown’s work on this!)
  6. Remember: No one else has your particular set of experience or skills. You have something to offer. When you hold back, you’re depriving the people around you.
  7. Making mistakes and being wrong DOES NOT make you a fraud.
  8. Understand the difference between feelings and reality. The perception of your success is not necessarily the same perception others have.

Some famous people who have struggled with Imposter Syndrome:

Maya Angelou, writer, activist: “I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.'”

Kate Winslet, actress: “Sometimes I wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot, and I think, I can’t do this. I’m a fraud.”

Dr. Margaret Chan, Chief of World Health Organization: “There are an awful lot of people out there who think I’m an expert. How do these people believe all this about me? I’m so much aware of all the things I don’t know.”

Michelle Pfeiffer, actress: When asked how she had developed her gifts in 2002, “I still think people will find out that I’m really not very talented.  I’m really not very good.  It’s all been a big sham.”

Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook: Wrote the book Lean In with Imposter Syndrome as a foundational premise.

Carpe Diem, friends. The world is waiting. 

On Performance

IMG_4134

On February first of this year, a man by the name of Benoit Violier made headlines. His Swiss restaurant was crowned the “best in the world” in December of 2015. His restaurant named Restaurant de l’Hotel de Ville had won 3 Michelin stars, and made it to the top of France’s Le Liste above more than 1,000 restaurants worldwide. Violier was found in his home with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to his head. Swiss chef Fredy Girardet stated: “He was a brilliant man. Such talent, and an amazing capacity for work. He was so kind, with so many qualities. He gave the impression of being perfect.”

Almost 10 years ago, in an interview for a movie, Jim Carrey is reported saying “I think everyone should get rich and famous, and get everything they dreamed of, so that they can see that this is not the answer.”

What is our culture creating, that the pursuits of wealth, fame, and being the best are the ultimate achievements? More than that, the message seems to be that these things will finally fill the void in our souls. Maybe with enough “things,” enough accolades, enough praise from others, we will finally be able to calm the persistent voice that fearfully echoes “You are not enough. You are worthless.”

A phrase that haunts me is what Girardet noted about Violier: “He gave the impression of being perfect.” Of having it all together. Of needing nothing. Perfection, as we all cognitively know, is impossible. Yet this striving, this performance is all smoke and mirrors to somehow save ourselves. It leads to shame, isolation, and despair.

What if the answer to this existential question of worth and purpose has an existential answer? What if, upon realizing the things of this world will never satisfy our deepest longings- getting married, obtaining a promotion, an award, money, power, fame, beauty, kids, etc.- what if the response is humility to recognizing perhaps only Jesus is the perfect shape and substance to fill the inner void? It does not entail judging or minimizing longings and desires, but more acknowledging and finding rest amidst them. It’s a perspective shift from relying on yourself to showcase your worth, to resting in the worth that is sung over you in tender tones and gentle offerings. Our role then is to receive our worth, rather than to create it.

Worth is not found in what we do. If that were true then it would entail that children, the elderly, and the disabled would not have worth until they became positive contributors to society. Worth is found in who we are- our position as children of God, as sons and daughters, reflected in our character, how well we love others. Performance afflicts us all and there’s always Imposter Syndrome lurking in the background (more on that in another post).

What could our lives look like if we were kind and gracious to ourselves? What if we pursued excellence not for the sake of validating our worth, but out of a passion that leads to joy instead of despair? What if we ceased striving? 

Know Thyself

The primary purposes of seeing a therapist (or counselor, I use the terms interchangeably) can be distilled down into finding freedom and learning about one’s self.

The Hebrew word for prayer is tefilah. It is derived from the root Pe-Lamed-Lamed and the word l’hitpalel, meaning to judge oneself. This surprising word origin provides insight into the purpose of Jewish prayer. The most important part of any Jewish prayer, whether it be a prayer of petition, of thanksgiving, of praise of God, or of confession, is the introspection it provides, the moment that we spend looking inside ourselves, seeing our role in the universe and our relationship to God.

In Christianity and Catholicism, St. Ignatius of Loyola developed the now-ancient practice known as the Prayer of Examen. This prayer involves reflecting on the previous day’s events, becoming aware of God’s presence in them, reviewing the day with gratitude, paying attention to one’s moods and emotions, choosing something about the previous day and praying on it. This practice forces a person to slow down and process events, how they responded, where God is present, and begin to understand one’s triggers, sin, success, fears, etc.

So much of what I do with clients involves helping them to learn about who they are, which is part of the process of growing and living a fulfilling life. God created each of us with specific talents, skills, gifts, and personality quirks to bless others and further his kingdom. So many of us do not take the time to learn about who we are and what makes us tick. Often, it’s easy to pursue the positive traits we have (I have the gift of teaching, I think this way, I’m good at this). What’s harder is taking the time and often painful effort to discover what fears we have, what lies we believe, what we actually like and dislike, and what our priorities are. Similarly, it is default for many people to simply take on the traits/likes/propensities of those around rather than discover what they are all about and who they are.

Self-awareness is a very key piece in learning how to live a fulfilling life. We are constantly growing in to who God created us to be. He gave us an identity, and we ought to give ourselves the space to discover what that is. If we are created for painting, and all we do is go to museums, we are wasting our talents and living in a space of longing and grief that does not have to be reality. Knowing thyself helps us to see our role with others, this world, and with our God. It is a process that can bring up painful feelings and memories, but will ultimately allow one to live with more clarity, peace, and be a rich blessing to others.

Teaching Others How to Treat Us

There are many skills that we are not taught prior to reaching adulthood. They can have lasting impacts on relationships and the communications therein. Boundaries are one such skill that many people seem to miss on their developmental journeys toward adult independence. Boundaries have been described as many things: the ability to say no, determining limits on your physical person, thoughts, and emotions. Boundaries are limits that one sets for themselves to protect not just yourself, but also relationships with others.

Setting effective boundaries can be difficult when you constantly put others’ needs and feelings before your own, you don’t know yourself very well, you fear boundaries will compromise a relationship, or you don’t feel you have the right to instill boundaries. Many people assume boundaries are selfish. This is not true. Boundaries do not say: “You are not allowed to treat me this way.” Boundaries do say: “Should you choose to treat me this way, I will instill a consequence/ boundary.” The difference in these two statements is that in the first statement the use of boundaries is in an effort to control and manipulate. In the second statement however, proper responsibility is placed on the proper parties. For example, a healthy boundary might be: “When you yell at me it makes me feel threatened. I am going to leave the house until we can speak calmly.” This communication is clear, direct, assertive, and calm; it seeks to protect the self and the relationship.

Without boundaries, we can feel taken advantage of or that our desires are unimportant. We become frustrated and angry that our boundaries are violated yet we are unable to express what our boundaries actually are. Constant yielding to a family member or friend becomes our habit. We lose our own sense of self and often find ourselves in unhappy relationships, jobs and life situations. Resentment, anger, worthlessness, and feeling taken advantage of are common experiences to a lack of boundaries. Setting and maintaining boundaries is an art, and it is a skill that takes practice.

Unhealthy boundaries are:

  1. Controlling or manipulative
  2. Invasive or dominating
  3. Set for us by others
  4. Rigid and immovable

Healthy boundaries are:

  1. Clear and firm
  2. Appropriate
  3. Determined by us
  4. Flexible

At the end of the day, people can treat you however they want, but it is up to you to teach them what is, and what is not, appropriate. If you desire a healthy relationship with friends or family members, it is important to own your responsibility in various matters, and live out self-respect by enforcing boundaries that not only show you care about your heart, but you care about the relationship, and their heart as well.